Gah-Who else has Mom (or Dad) guilt? I hate to say it, but parenting in general can cause stresses that stir up guilt that can truly make you down and depressed about your own parenting styles or how you interact with your child(ren). Most mom’s I have chatted with have had that pit in their stomach where they feel se terrible about their interaction with one of their kids and making it better seems impossible. I get it. Been there, done that! Just because we suffer from the occasional mom or dad guilt doesn’t mean we are bad parents or there is something wrong with us, it just means we are conscious of our parenting and what we are doing right and wrong in a moment’s time. You may be asking, what exactly is “mom guilt” and how do I navigate through it? Great questions!
What is mom guilt?
Whether you’ve never heard of mom guilt or can’t escape its relentless grip, it simply means that pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing things right, or making decisions that may “mess up” your kids in the long run.
Mom (or dad) guilt may be temporary, like how I feel about my kids watching too much television this week. Or it may be longer term, like whether we’ve enrolled them in enough activities over the past few years.
Some moms feel a dread or a weight on their shoulders (or chest, soul, etc.), and some feel panicky — like they need to fix the problem right now. Mom guilt is the shoulds, the supposed to’s, and the other moms are… clanking around in your head as you try to make it through the day.
A quick scroll through Instagram will show hundreds of posts of what other moms seem to be doing so well, from educational activities to perfectly groomed toddlers posing sweetly. (Remember: Little do we know whether they were having a full-blown tantrum just seconds before or after that shot.)
Even formal recommendations, such as those from doctors and organizations, can create feelings of inadequacy.
Limit screen time, but show educational apps.
Let the kids get tons of exercise outside, but also keep a spotless house.
Take care of yourself, but not at the expense of getting on the floor with your kids to play.
The contradictions and expectations are limitless.
And here’s the real kicker:
Parents are also more likely than non-parents to admit they feel guilty when they do take time for self-care (39% vs. 26%).
Ugh. Not only do parents feel guilty for working (or not working,) allowing their kids to have too much screen time (or none at all,) not reading enough to their child, allowing them to occasionally have sugar, etc. — but we also feel guilty about spending time and/or money on ourselves. Which begs the question: Is there anything parents don’t feel guilty about?
As a mom of three, I know all too well that managing mom guilt is tough work. I know I avoid spending more time away from my kids than I already do while they’re at school and/or I’m working. But it’s important to remember that a little “me time” can go a long way. And if it allows parents to come back and be a more present, patient, and engaged with their children, then it’s a win-win situation all around.
When a baby is born, so are two parents. Going from a couple who can sleep in late on the weekends and easily find time for their hobbies to parents who can’t sleep at all and barely have time to shower can take a serious toll on everyone’s mental health.
Replacing Mom Guilt with Mom Love
When we switch to a love-based action, we reinforce the good mom feelings – the loving, caring, connected parent – and that can more easily fill our minds and give us the oxytocin boost we need to help buoy our spirits and drive out stress. When that small whisper of guilt and fear show up again, the real me can quickly remind that fear that I had a mother-daughter book club yesterday, and that thought is actually not true.
Be sure to schedule the love-action activities in so they are on your plate like a meeting would be, and you treat them like the very important meeting that they are.
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